


Jealousy

by hangoversfinest



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Depression, F/M, Feels, Force Bond (Star Wars), Friendship, Healing, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, The Dark Side of the Force, They need to stop making hot villains, Why is Adam Driver so hot, don't get your hopes up, eventual redemption arc, i think, not sure.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 15:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13238328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangoversfinest/pseuds/hangoversfinest
Summary: It wasn't jealousy, exactly.Just something close.





	1. one.

It wasn’t jealousy, exactly.

Just something close.

It was… 

It was having to watch something whole and pure and beautiful, knowing that when you had the opportunity for something like it, and you just gave it away. Because giving it up was the right thing to do.

Finn curls his body over Rose, big hands cradling her smaller one. There’s too much of him to fit in the medical pod. But he tries.

And Rey watches.

She feels like she can’t blink.

_ This is what it was supposed to be like. _

The sound in the hangar disappears. The silence almost oppressive. She can see the flashes of light. She can see people continuing to move. It’s almost like she can feel the sounds that she should be able to hear.

Out of the corner of her eye, the only thing that wasn’t moving.

The only thing wearing black.

Something in her chest twists horribly, and she can’t make herself look at him.

Not now.

Not when Finn and Rose… 

She can’t pretend to be able to hide what she’s feeling from him. It’s stupid to even try.

She just hopes he can’t see it on her face too.

The sounds come back.

It comes in a sudden crash that she can almost feel like a hard push against her shoulders. And significantly more painful that the sudden noise against her face and neck, or how Finn cradles Rose’s good hand, is the low voice that says only one word before the noise comes back.

She feels safe shutting her eyes now that the noise is back.

She hates the prickle of heat that crushes her skin at the sound of Kylo Ren’s voice. His promise.

_ “Rey.” _

 

* * *

 

Poe Dameron was with General Organa. He looks up at her in only the way that orphans can look at their pseudo-mothers, half-cocked impish grin and everything. And she stares flatly at him, somehow more expressive than an exasperated eye-roll.

Thick roguish waves of dark hair, the rough-around-the-edges devastating charm--

Poe was everything that  _ he _ was supposed to be.

Equal parts the general princess and the roguish smuggler.

Rey stops at the door. Both look up.

Poe grins, Organa does her  _ knowing smile. _ She leans back in her seat, straightening out her robes. “You look like you’re about to say something that I’m going to wish I hadn’t heard.”

Poe laughs, “How would you know that, general?”

Organa gets the flat look in her eyes again. “It’s the look that seems to have permanently attached itself to your face,” she says flatly.

He laughs again.

Rey gets the feeling again.

Unlike with Finn and Rose, however, this wasn’t something she was forced to give up. This was something she never got the chance to have.

_ “I saw your parents… they were nobodies… they sold you…” _

She swallows, lowering her head. “With your permission, general, I’d like to return to the Ahch-To.”

Organa stares at Rey for a long moment before her lips twist into a self-depreciating smirk. “Would you look at that, I’m right.”

She steps forward. “The Empire-- they still don’t know where it is. There are… things that I need to see.”

She forces herself to look at the general, all the while ignoring the prickle of heat at the back of her neck. Like someone was looking for her. Gritting her teeth and shoving  _ it _ down, she desperately searches for the sound of anything else. The thrum of machines, the soft swish of Organa’s robes as she turns away from Poe to regard Rey curiously.

_ “You are a nobody…” _

Organa regards her carefully.

And for what feels like a lifetime.

Finally, she smiles. “I was actually going to recommend you go into hiding. Just for a little while. Rebuilding the rebellion…” she sighs, “It’s going to involve getting into bed with some unsavory people. People who will demand to see you, who will want to manipulate and use you. People whose loyalties we may not be able to trust in order to keep you a secret from the Empire.”

_ “A nobody…” _

“You aren’t going alone though.”

“Chewie--”

“It’s going to be more than just Chewbacca,” Organa says firmly. “You say that the Empire does not know where the temple is, I would however like to be sure. You are important, Rey. For more reasons than just this, but the Rebellion cannot afford to lose you.”

_ “A nobody…”  _

Poe leans forward, frowning heavily. “Who are you going to send?”

Organa stares at him.

It takes him a bit, but he gets there.

“General Organa,” he starts forward. “I need to be involved in rebuilding our forces. Recruiting for the rebellion… training pilots…”

“It won’t be for forever, Commander,” she says, smiling, but with a firmness. “I wouldn’t trust Rey with anyone other than you.”

“With all due respect, General Organa, I’m taking offense to that. And I’m not letting Rey out of my sight again.”

They all turn and stare.

Finn moves like he’s in pain. Stiff.

But his face is rock-like.

“Finn,” Rey turns. “But Rose?”

“Oh, she’s coming too.”

Poe grins and Organa raises an eyebrow. “Is she now?”

“Yeah,” Finn looks stupid he’s so happy. Rey feels a horrible pang in her chest. “She woke up two hours ago. She’s hit me twice.”

“Like she’s punched you?” Poe’s not trying very hard to hide his laughter.

“Yeah, she’s only threatened to tase me once though.” Finn says it in an endearing way, like it’s cute.

_ “A nobody…” _

_ “But not to me.” _

Poe laughs loudly, snapping her out of her head. “Looks like we have a crew, then. When do we leave?”

 

* * *

 

The girl looks up but the helmet hangs down.

He shuts his eyes and he can see it. A little girl stuck in the skeleton of an angry, arching, grey beast. Fingers tight around the edge, wide dark eyes looking past the dusty shield at an empty desert. She has round cheeks and a stubborn chin.

A stubborn everything, really.

He can almost see the years trickle by like sand slipping across the barren hills. Those cheeks hollow. The fingers don’t grip the broken ship quite so tight. Those wide, dark eyes are the same, but the search isn’t as feverish.

And over it all… the loneliness.

_ “... too weak to resist…” _

Something inside of him, curls away. Disgusted and twisted and ugly.

Too weak for a scavenger.

His jaw tightens. Fingers curl.

It could've been different.

They were so much the same. 

A spasm in his side has him curling forward into a comma. His hand tightens around the damaged muscles. Glaring up at the dark wall in front of him, he remembers the anguished scream and then the burn of pain in his side.

_ Chewie shot him. _

Chewie… his dad’s…

Unfortunately, some things were still sharper than the little girl lost in the dirty fighter helmet.

Like the warm brown arms that pulled a skinny kid against his chest. He let the kid crawl over his back, grinning broadly, pale cheeks pink, dark hair in tufts around his big ears.

He’d seen the picture.

_ Han _ had kept it in the Millenium Falcon, behind one of the drive shafts. But, from  _ her _ memories, Kylo Ren knew that it wasn’t there at the end.


	2. two.

The trip is going to take longer this time around.

General Organa wants to be sure that they aren’t followed and that the Empire hasn’t discovered the island on the godforsaken planet. Poe looked at her itinerary and choked on his drink. “General, the war will be over before we even get there.”

She gave him the flat look and hit him on the head.

It was exciting flying with Poe. Even if he had less than flattering things to say about the Millennium Falcon, he navigates the controls with an almost tender familiarity. He knows things about maneuvers and strategies that Rey’s never even dreamed of. They sit up in the cockpit or bend over the table with Chewie and discuss strategy for hours.

Rose’s recovery is quick.

And Rey, who’s used to stripping engines of the good bits and putting things back together, doesn’t even scratch the surface of what the other girl can do to an engine system. She calls them all  _ systems. _ She started playing with the broken saber while Rey watched, asking questions and getting in the way.

And it’s just easy being with Finn.

Soft and almost childlike in his innocence. He’s overprotective of Rose now, which means that she threatens to tase him on almost a daily basis.

She spends her days with them.

At night, she reads the Jedi texts.

She’s never been good at reading and it’s slow.

She’ll wake up in a deep sweat, forehead stuck to the ancient manuscripts and fear ripping its deep claws down her back.

Finally, one night, she’s reading when Poe drops heavily across from her, Rose next to him, and then Finn sliding beside her. They all stare at her expectantly.

“What?” She twists, frowning. “Who’s in the cockpit?”

“Chewie.” Poe says, sliding beaten metal cups across the table, pouring something into each of them. “He lost a bet. So, he’s on duty and you get to tell us why you haven’t slept in four days.”

“It hasn’t been four days.”

“You’re right, it’s been more.” Rose stares stubbornly at her. “You’ve only used your bunk once since we left.”

Rey fights the shudder.

She’d woken up with the heat prickling down her back and spiking at the soles of her feet. Jumping up, pulling her knees against her chest, sheets twisting around her legs. It didn’t help that  _ he _ was sitting at the end of her bed, staring indecipherably at her.

Those dark eyes were narrowed.

“You called for me.”

She’d lashed back as hard as she could with her mind that the rapid patter of the engine turning over seemed to match the rhythm of her heart.

“Rey.” it’s Finn. “What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing… it’s just -- I have so much that I need to learn--” she gestures at the book. She trails off, pathetically.

Poe barks a laugh. “You need to get better at lying.” He stops, takes a thick drink of the liquid in the cup. “I was fourteen the first time the Empire attacked my planet. We were a mining planet. Fuel reserves, the lot. I woke up and all I could see were flashes of red light. Over and over and…” his jaw tightens,  _ “over.” _

He won’t look up. “After that, it felt like every time I went to sleep I would see that red and hear my parents dying.”

He takes another drink.

“An arms smuggler,” Rose mutters, taking a swig. “He broke into my family home and beat my dad within an inch of his life. Then he… he…” she swallowed, eyes not seeing anyone at the table. “My mom wasn’t the same after that. None of us were.”

“When I first woke up, I thought I saw… I thought I saw  _ him,” _ Finn mutters emphatically. “Kylo Ren.”

Rey tightens.

“I-I kept seeing him. Like he was just in the corner, standing there with that-- that horrible lightsaber.”

Finn takes a drink.

And immediately spits it out. “Are you trying to poison me?”

Poe grins. “It’s the Rebellion specialty.”

“It’s paint thinner! I swear.”

Rose and Poe both, staring Finn down, take a long healthy pull. Rose smiles, “It’s refreshing.”

Finn sputters for a while more.

Rey actually finds herself grinning and joking with them. She’s even halfway through her drink when Rose reaches over and puts a hand on her wrist. “So, why aren’t you sleeping? We’ve all got good reasons not to.”

She opens her mouth and before she can make something up, Poe leans back, smirking. He’s pouring a second drink. “We’re getting this all out in the open. It’s your turn.”

She reaches up and rubs her eyes. “They’re just nightmares.”

“Please, Rey, you look dead on your feet.” Finn pushes. “You’re afraid to sleep. Talking about it will help.”

She looks at him.

Both of their lives started over when they met each other.

But someone else has been there even more than he has.

So, she lowers her head, opens her mouth, and begins to tell them about the fight in the snow. Finn had only been there for the first half. He hadn’t seen the rest.

Not a lie.

Not technically.

But lately the nightmares are worse than the fight in the snow.

Worse and more personal.

 

* * *

 

 

At the end of the night, Rey’s head is  _ wiggly. _

Rose and Finn disappear to “look at engines.” It’s Poe’s turn to relieve Chewie.

So, Rey returns to her bunk alone, still giggling over one of Poe’s stories. She falls off the bed with a thud, trying to take off one of her boots. She rolls over, laughing at herself and her stupidity when a throat clears.

Staring down at her, the monster of her nightmares doesn’t look like he knows what to do with himself.

“You,” the smile fades slowly, laughter like an echo. Finally, she exhales, shoulders shrugging down. “You can’t do anything like this, anyways. You’re just a bother.”

His eyebrows raise.

“That’s right, Ben, you’re a bother. Ben the Bother,” she picks herself up, throwing herself in her bunk where she slumps back, starting to giggle again. She’s given up on her boot. It’s obviously impossible.

Maybe she can Force it off.

Heaving a sigh, Ben Solo bends over and reaches for her shoe.

Her legs jerk back. “What are you doing? You can’t do anything like this.”

“We’ve touched before. Don’t you remember?”

“Oh yes,” there’s a twist in her voice that she doesn’t like. And the way that those dark eyes flick up to her, he doesn’t like it either. “That’s when you saw my parents, right? The nobodies.”

Her foot has a mind of its own and slips out in front of her. Slowly, his hands reach for her boot.

He actually undoes the laces.

She never undoes the laces. Just kind of hops around until the boot either comes on or off.

Of course he undoes the laces.

She watches those fingers, almost mesmerized.

He sets the boot on the floor, but leaves his hand curled around her ankle. Not touching it, but so close.

“Can you see what’s around me now? My surroundings?”

“No,” he murmurs, looking down at her foot. “I can feel the edges, though.”

“Can I?”

There’s almost a smirk on his lips. “Reach out in front of you.”

She does, slowly, fingers stretched out towards him.

“No,” he says, “More over here.” Gently, he pulls her wrist over to an invisible space above her lap.

“Oh,” her eyes widen. It’s like a magnetic barrier. If she wanted to, she could push through it. “What is this?”

“It’s a desk.” He’s watching her, almost softly.

Warmth bubbles in her stomach, but she frowns. “It’s not fair for you to do that.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“Yes you are,” she insists, scooching forward a little. “You’re looking at me like that and letting me feel the… the conflict.”

“It’s still there, isn’t it,” he mutters.

“Can’t you feel it?”

“I’ve gotten better at ignoring it in favor of more… distracting things.”

Not even going to try and figure out what he means by that.

She leans back, curling into herself.

Was her bunk always this soft and warm?

“I wish we’d stop doing this,” she sighs finally, eyes drifting.

“Me too.” He mutters.

She grins a little, still dozing. “You said that last time too.”

“I know.”


End file.
